Still 2022-06-10, but at 9PM
Yea, I'm quite early today. I wanted to rant.
CW for Suicide, Homophobia, Religion
I just got home from work. I am so, so, so tired.
My department was closed yesterday, and the poor store manager lost so much revenue. He opened all the hour slots to the max. In the end, a tiny 25 people staff had to deal with 238 orders. Some people's shift ends at 2pm, so that was less people after 2pm. Then after 6pm, too. We finished by 7:20PM, and my feet and legs are sore. It's such a bad, busy, busy day. All, because the poor store manager lost so much revenue.
It's so greedy.
This department is the highest earning department in the store, but somehow, the store cannot afford to give us more equipment. I remember a day where I spent at least 20 minutes just looking for functional equipment. And I remember that year when I asked for a raise, but I was rejected and laughed at. Then my managers insist everyone works the same. Do they really?
I feel so overused. I feel like a rabid dog. A dog that has been beat down so much I'll bite at anything. That's how I feel, but I want to bite at the uber-filthy-rich. I feel like a slave. As I said, this department is the highest earning department, but the raise I've got were only cents. Not even one dollar. And I want to cry. But at the same time, I'm like, huh. I chose this job! This is on me! And I cannot quit because they're paying for my college (which I'm about to graduate in October). And it just feels like too much, and the pay is so little. I feel like a slave. I'm just eating the crumbs the rich people shoved off their table. And it's just so dehumanizing, and to think, I have to do this for the next decades of my life. Just wasting away. I am so exhausted. I do not want to keep doing this Being Human thing anymore.
I stopped taking my antidepressants and going to therapy, because it all feels the same. Nothing Nothing seems to change. I can't heal in the same toxic waters. I can only numb down the suffering and focus on something else. The antidepressants and therapy do that basically. It's just a balm. The real solution feels like just ending it all. That or holding on (must I keep holding on?) until I graduate, get a better job. Wait for things to get better. When? I'm so exhausted already. I don't want to be alive anymore.
My day already started shitty. I wanted to pass a car that was slow, but my mom held me back. She has been holding me back in almost everything, not just today's driving. And it pissed me off. I wanted to crash the car or stop it in the middle of nowhere. I wanted to scream. I wanted to be free from her. And I have so much anger for her. She bible-beat me back into the closet. The next time, I'll come out, I've already moved out and moved countries, where she cannot find me. I am so tired of feeling like this. I don't wanna keep doing this for the next years. I don't want to keep being like this anymore. I am so exhausted.
And the most damning part was when she reminded me of the last time I disobeyed her. I got into a car crash. Well, rather, I chose to drive my aunt's car, and it didn't go well, and I hit into a curb and totalled the car, and I have always felt like an idiot. No one was harmed, but it left me. Well. Whatever words to describe that. Since I grew up Catholic, I was told that obeying your parents is a must, and I felt that each time I did not follow what they want, God punishes me. I left the religion. I don't practice it anymore. But it feels like that. I just feel like being choked down and stuffed into a box in every facet of my life. I'm choked down at work. I'm choked down at home. I'm choked down at college. I'm mostly ignored in the fandom, where I used to have friends. I think the only place where I can be free and be myself is this little, silly website I have. It feels like no one's here, so no one cares as well, but it's fine. The keyword is no one. It feels free that way.
I'd like to cry, but I really don't have tears. I am so tired.
Ah, the news mentioned LGBTQ+ and how teens who identify as such have a higher chance of being suicidal. Yea, they are. I am. It's why I wanted to kill myself when I was younger. Nowadays, I don't want to die, but I don't want to exist either. I almost want to be a sim character that's just deleted out of existence. It's just so much suffering, sometimes.
Of course, the other times, it's good. But it's so tiring like this. I'm so exhausted. It's good when it's good, I suppose, and when it's bad, it's so exhausting. I am tired.
One of my parents mentioned how this news ruined his day. And I really feel like my only chance of living truly is to move out and be far, far away from them.
I want a life..... I imagine finding a better job: high paying and employee respecting. Becoming stable. Moving out. Moving to another better country. And I don't want to contact them ever again.
The people that are supposed to nurture you are the ones that have hurt me the most. I don't feel that much anger for anyone else other than them. And it's so guilt-filled, because of my dumbfuck Catholic upbringing.
And ah, you know what, I cannot love like this. I'm not capable of loving anyone, so me pining for this woman? I've confirmed it. It's so dumb to pine for her. I'm taking a hiatus from social media until my brain gets the fuck over itself. I don't want to love anyone like that I did with my ex again. And I know I have a tendency to everything to the person I love. But I don't want to lose myself like that anymore, ever again. I don't want to depend on anyone emotionally or physically like that again. I want to be a full person, not someone who's forced to be someone's limbs. I don't want love. It's not for me. I must stop pining.
That said, relationships are so messy. One of my coworker's ex-boyfriend stalked her. I joked all day about how I'm so glad and thankful I like girls more, but yes, I understand. Some women are unhinged, too. But yeah. Relationships. That's tiring as fuck. As much as I want someone to love and to receive that love back romantically, I don't want to deal with the heartaches. My life, as it is, is already shitty as fuck. Why do I want another problem?
I am so tired.