2022-05-11 02:01:00
A good chunk of my day has been spent doing my college homework. My GPA is 3.93, but I feel so much like a fraud. I don't know anything. I don't understand anything. Nothing is going straight into my brain. It's all confusing. I'm snappy and irritable. I do not want to be perceived as weak, but I'd love to cry but I have no tears. I'd like to throw something, but I know that won't fix my frustrations. I hope that I'll get it tomorrow, or rather, later in the day since it's 2AM as I'm writing this. I still have clothes to fold, and well, another paper to write, then on Thursday, my work week starts again.
Yes, it's a lot.
Add on whatever the fuck's happening in my country, my desire to run away, be more unavailable, and disappear from Twitter. I'm still around Instagram, since all my memes are there. I have other social media sites, too, but I don't frequent them that much. I just want somewhere calm, where I don't have to keep keeping up, where it's less number-oriented and more on whatever the fuck I want to do.
I have terrible luck with algorithms. I've done trying. Call it defeat, whatever you like. I have no fire to keep chasing my dream. To make it as an artist, you have to be an artist, your own advertiser, agent, editor, business manager, social media manager, and so much more. I don't have luck or perhaps, the will to keep going on. I tried before. It is not for me. I want to settle here, where it's slow and less hectic. I like it so far. And I want to focus more on myself and creating rather than all of those hustling.
I used to wonder why my art did not ever catch on. I thought the world of it, but as I look back on my art from two years ago, it looks very terrible. Barely worth of looking at. I wonder if two years from now I will say the same of these pieces I'm so proud of.
Ah, well, I'll call it a night.
Perhaps, in the following days, I'll start posting my art WIPs and backup my fanfics here. However, I worry that my fics are inadequate, that I miss certain components. Mostly when I write, I just write whatever I fancy. I don't follow rules or reality or anatomy that much.
We'll see.
